It’s now been a little more than two weeks since Liam’s initial diagnosis. Two very long weeks. We’ve found ourselves oscillating between apathy about daily life and grief at the thought of a momentary one for Liam. It’s in these moments of reflection you can see the paradox of those two feelings. It feels like nothing in the world matters, and it feels that way very strongly. Yet if nothing in this world matters, then life itself doesn’t matter. And if life doesn’t matter, then one little life being taken away, or never starting, shouldn’t matter very much either. Contrast that with the crippling grief of loss-to-be. The despair is so intense that a life will be cut short. So unfair. With that pain so severe, it must be because the life that was to come would be so full and rich. That what has been taken away – life – is full of meaning. How can these opposite realities both be true? Well, in short, they can’t. It’s in that paradox that a different truth becomes clear – emotions can’t be trusted. They can’t be trusted, but neither can they be ignored. They force their way in to the driver’s seat of your mind and take control. They steer your mind and your body. You learn the latter when you find yourself lying face down in the carpet.
I rarely want to get out of bed in the morning. Callie and Caden have been blissfully ignorant of that, helping to make sure we get out of bed each day and never oversleep. I haven’t eaten as much these past two weeks. I’ve had a short fuse with my kids. I don’t care about work. My baseline is at an all-time low. I’ve also found so much joy and energy from my kids, as I’ve approached their innocence and open hearts with such fresh eyes and gratitude. We’ve stayed in hope to meet Liam. We have had such an outpouring of love and support by our family and church that has brought strength and encouragement. Prepared meals when we’d probably just go hungry, scripture and prayers continuously being shared and offered on our behalf. People willing to enter the grief and just be with us and cry with us. It’s truly been remarkable, and we will be forever grateful for the ways we have been surrounded and continue to be.
So here I am faced with an array of emotions and feelings – dejection, grief, apathy, hope, joy, confusion, anger, sorrow, the list goes on. They are all raw, but which are temptations? False promises? Attacks? I cannot control my circumstances, I cannot control what I feel, but I can control my response. I choose to remember.
The Israelites, the chosen people of God, were in captivity in Egypt for 430 years, working as slaves. Their oppressors went to lengths to keep it that way, including the slaughtering of baby boys to keep Israel from becoming too powerful while in captivity. It’s this scene that God chooses to free Israel from, by showing his mighty power through the plagues of Egypt. And what power it was that Israel witnessed. Yet, while they are leaving Egypt, literally following the presence of the Lord in a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, they were pursued by Pharoah that decided he wanted them back. When the Israelites saw they were being pursued, they said to Moses their leader “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’?” Exodus 14:11-12. What comes next is the parting of the Red Sea. Walls of water they passed through, then watched fall on the Egyptians, securing Israel’s safety. What a move of power.
You’d think it’s hard to forget God’s power when he’s leading you in a pillar of fire. After plagues demonstrating His power. But surely walking through a sea will give them faith in God’s power and plan. Well it took less than 2 months and 15 days before you see another doubt in Exodus 16:3 “3 The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” And this lack of faith is met with another miracle, in the manna (bread) from heaven that they woke up to every day on the ground for the next 40 years.
So now they have a daily reminder of God’s deliverance to them in manna, so that they are not only spiritually reliant on Him but physically won’t survive without him. Surely they will remain faithful to their God now. Yet, as Moses is on Mount Sinai speaking directly to the Lord, the Israelites say to the second in command, “Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him.” in Exodus 32. I wonder if they had finished their morning manna before bringing this rebellion.
The continued deliverance by the Lord, followed by doubt, unfaithfulness, and rejection by Israel when facing tough circumstances is well documented throughout much of the rest of the narrative of the Old Testament, and emphasized by the treatment of the Messiah that came to restore humanity to its creator.
It’s easy to criticize this doubt, but would we not have acted the same? In these circumstances they were in – faced with the army of Egypt bearing down on them, the starvation in the desert, the possible death of their leader at a mountain – what must they have been feeling? Certainly fear, maybe abandonment, not understanding the plan, desperation, probably anger. Those were unavoidable and uncontrollable. What they lacked was the faith that God was with them and would deliver them. They forgot. Forgot who God is and was and always will be. Forgot his deliverance out of captivity, out of danger, out of starvation, out of sin.
I will choose, amidst the current despair and fear and depression, to remember. I will remember the truth. I will remember God’s promises. I will remember God’s deliverance. His delivering us by doing exactly what we are fearing, losing a son. The difference is He did it willingly, out of grace, for all of us that so quickly forget.
“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6
What does the Truth have to say about this life? About the uncontrollable circumstances, fear, grief? Surely the all-powerful Son of God will rescue us from this despair and return our lives to comfort and ease.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
“I have told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.” Matthew 7:24-25
“It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Matthew 4:4
Let me be perfectly clear – this sucks. It sucks every day. It’s going to suck even worse from here. My trust in Christ doesn’t take away my anger or sadness. I’m not happy all the time, or protected from heartbreak. I don’t understand why this is happening, and probably never will. My trust in Christ doesn’t stop these feelings from coming.
The promises of this world are appealing. Numb yourself of the pain, bury it. Distract yourself to keep the pain at bay. Escape the pain. Medicate the pain. Move on. Focus on what you can control. Some days I succumb to these temptations.
And faith in Jesus doesn’t promise new circumstances. What is promised is that in the depths, He is there with you. When you are weak, He will give you strength. When life is chaotic, He will give you peace. He will never change, never fail, never leave you. When this life ends, new life is given. In these promises, He remains faithful. I will cling to these truths, and find hope in the sorrow. This is not the end of the story. “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:55-57
I reject the promises of this world, and put my faith in the promises of peace, in presence, in new life.
This is going to be a long road. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” Each day is a struggle, and each day we feel propped up by the prayers of those surrounding us, especially on the days I don’t always have the strength to read the Bible or pray my laments. Please continue to intercede for us. Help feed us our daily bread, our manna, when we are too tired to gather it.
Leave a Reply